okaylah i know i know. i've not updated for like, a month? a little bit less than that? or more? oklah whatever it is, holidays have started and so far i've been busy with god-knows-what. if im not working, i have school. if i have neither, i'd be going out. if i have no plans, i'd be at home sleeping restoring energy. (eat fiesta. hahaha.)






i've been spending late nights on the phone conferencing with nadhir and man. how we discovered the conference function in our phone is a nong nong story. so we've been talking till 5-7am and we'd be on the phone without realising the sun has popped up.



we'd be like, "eh sialah! morning alrd lah sia!" (ok not we, me actually. hahaha.)


"are you guys crazy?? not going to work ahhh?? not going to sleep??"




ok fine. sorry for being so paranoid.




it seems so weird. i used to blog about all the funny things i experienced and now it seems that i need not do that anymore. because i've actually shared with them verbally. so if i were to write it down, it'd feel like i'm just repeating whatever i said to them, here, and i'm very malas to jot them down.




oh yes, by the way. manchester united won last night. or morning. yay!




so my blog's now only gonna contain my deepest inner thoughts and not those teeny weeny detailed things i used to like to blog. ok maybe sometimes lar. hahaha.




ok so as you know. i'm not with that devil anymore right. yah. but recently, john little called up to work for just a day. as a fitting room assistant. and it was before 11th march. before he finished his contract with jl. before he leaves for his ns.
so therefore i ran a risk of bumping into him at work.




you people cant freaking imagine how my heart wasn't at peace for those few days.




kynn brought along another 2 of her friends (azy & hajar) to work and we all went to head for the human resource office. and to my oh-my-****ing-god, he was sitting at the receptionist front desk. i took a fast step back and froze. kynn did as well. i was saying shit, shit, shit for god-knows how many times. but we had to seek permission from the receptionist to enter the hr office. so i tried my best to hide behind hajar.




i told myself again and again, "no he's not there. he's not there. he can't see me. dont turn, dont turn. keep your cool. chill baby." (haha)




i don't know what kynn did but after we entered the office, she said,


"eh he saw you lah imah. then he smile smile to himself. syiok sendirik."


and my reaction?


"eeeeyoikes!!!"




ok so for that one day assignment, we were separated to different levels. i was actually suppose to be at the ladies department with azy but hajar was scared to be alone because it was her first. after some persuasion and bribing, (bribing eh! nolah no bribing.) i relented. see i'm so nice? hahahha.




but after work, azy and hajar told me the moment they stepped into their ladies department, he was there, giving them this stare. like he thinks he's a senior there. like stupid asshole more likely. oops. sorry for my language. but really ah, he was.(is)




so yesterday he sent me an sms. asking whether am i still in love with him.
i broke down.


how could you ask me this kind of question? how how how?


why are you still bothering me with this kind of things after all these while?




i dont know why but my heart was so so sad. everyone was at work and i didn't know who to call and what to do. but at least i had my sis to seek help from. i wish i could go see a phychiatrist and look for some answers. why am i like this? why do i still cry even though i'm so so angry and hateful at him? what else am i expecting from him? why did i still entertain him even though i knew he was like this? why can't i not reply to his msgs and just ignore him? why can't i? why why? i'm so stupid. stupid stupid stupid. argh, stupid!




i'm going crazy thinking. thinking. and thinking. and who has the answers? i dont know ah. i'm stupid. for letting this get into me. it sucks and i'm the one whose stupid right. yah i know that already.




and.... i have to think about another thing. im scared. scared scared scared. scared to get into relationships ever again. its so painful to be in one and i cant imagine going through it ever again.







i mean how can one be happy when they say they are in love but it hurts so much?? like they say love hurts. Ok it hurts, then why love??? whyy?? omg why??? can somebody tell me why??? and there is so much at stake. our wonderful, close friendship. i feel so at ease with you but will i still be when we get together? i am happy when i'm with you but will it still be the same if we're together? i'm so so scared.




ok. conclusion of my blog post.


i'm stupid. and a scaredy cat. (ok maybe not cat. penguin? hahah.)